I'm pants shitting drunk right now
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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