Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
