You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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