I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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