i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm always down for nudity.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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