I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
