I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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