Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Can I color on your dick again?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
