I am full of burrito and curiosity
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
