Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
