There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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