Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
