mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
we're making bets on your personal life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
