The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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