Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
