Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
