i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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