alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
