if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
