I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
