Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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