my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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