Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
