I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
