And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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