We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
