I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
