I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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