and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
