im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
