Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
