So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
