I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
organizing the empties. That sober.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
