I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
