Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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