I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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