when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
