Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
