Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
