I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
