Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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