i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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