oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
