i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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