You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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