i permit you to call me
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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