I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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