you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
