It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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