I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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