Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
